Nacho Crunch Burrito

This exists.

Finally.  Equally pleased to see that Taco Bell is not going all Double Down on this one and has opted for reduced fat sour cream.  This makes a huge difference when I'm counting cals. and eating chip-filled burritos.

Cap'n Cheesy Squares

Almost everything can be made better by chips, especially when you're talking about Doritos.

To prove my point, I introduce Cap'n Cheesy Squares.  The ultimate combination of sweet and savoury, this dessert combines everything good in the world.

Ingredients:
Butter  3 TBSPs
Mini Marshmallows  4 Cups (or 10oz package, about 40 big marshmallows)
Cap'n Crunch Cereal  5 Cups
Doritos Nacho Cheese  1 Cup Crushed


1. Over medium heat, melt butter in a large saucepan. Add marshmallows and stir until completely melted together and silky in texture. Remove saucepan mixture from heat.

2. Add Cap'n Crunch Cereal and crushed Doritos.

3. Stir until well coated.

4. Using buttered spatula or wax paper evenly press mixture into 13 x 9 x 2-inch non-stick pan. Cool and cut the Cap'n Cheesy Squares into preferred square shape.

I'd like to thank marshmallows, Cap'n Crunch, butter, Doritos, God and all the brave guinea pigs in this photo who not only consumed this cheesy dessert, but managed to share equally in my love for chips.

I'll Take a Potato Chip - And Eat It

Ancient manga words to live and die by.

Roast Chicken VS Fries 'n Gravy

I walk into the convenience store today and find not one, but TWO new flavours from Lay's staring back at me.  This is a no-brainer in my chiposphere.  I procure both bags and run home before I drool all over the lotto tickets waiting to be validated by the cashier.

Before even tackling these flavour profiles, I should first address the style of Lay's chips.  Unlike the average Ruffle chip, Lays are a much thinner, typically non-rippled, almost transparent chip.  You know that episode of The Simpsons when Homer is trying to get fatter so he can go on disability?

Dr. Nick: Instead of making sandwiches with bread, use pop tarts. Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon.
Bart: You could brush your teeth with milkshakes.
Dr. Nick: Hey, did you go to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College too?

And explains how to determine if a food is fatty enough:  "If you can see through it, that's your window to weight gain!" Then, Bart rubs a fish sandwich against an opaque window, turns it clear with grease and a bird flies into it.

This is what I think of every time I go for Lay's.  A thin, oily little chip that looks like the "window to weight gain". They are basically the MacDonald's of chips--though crave-worthy, you leave with a greasy chipgloss around your mouth.

Now onto Chicken Dinner VS Fries 'n Gravy...

Round 1: Concept
In response to Doritos loud Late Night flavours, Lay's seems to have rustled up this beige meal.  There is no mystery behind the idea here.  Chicken dinner in a bag. 

Round 2: Taste
Keeping with predictability, Roast Chicken tastes just like a home-cooked roasted chicken.  Complete with  thick herb and rosemary notes and a salty dark gravy aftertaste, this chip is not short on seasoning.

Acting as a perfect side for the Roast Chicken main course, Fries 'n Gravy are essentially regular Lay's coated in brown ClubHouse gravy powder.  The only redeeming aspect is that fries and chips are both potatoes, so the gravy idea isn't too obscure.

Together these chips mimic a typical Quebecois dinner.  All that's missing is white Wonder Bread  and discoloured canned peas folded in with the chicken, fries and gravy. 

Round 3: TKO
After beige packaging, beige chips and 3x your daily salt intake, the new Lay's flavours will knock you out faster than if fat Homer sat on your chest and put his fat man hat over your mouth and nose.  If you can make it back into the ring after this, I applaud your resilience and fear for your palate.

Winner: Fries 'n Gravy
While Roast Chicken took a while to warm up to, Fries 'n Gravy started out with a strong believable potato seasoning.  Both contenders dealt some low blows, exhibiting excessive salt and grease in each corner of the ring.  Ultimately, finishing with a distinct gravy taste and minimal bellyache, Fries 'n Gravy advances as the winner of this lightweight match-up.

Smart Idea

Had this brilliant idea the other night while enjoying some of my favorite chip-like snacks.

I call it The Smart Boat.

Tostitos Scoop's form the hull of this vessel.  Your favorite dip (creamy artichoke shown here) should be spread next acting as the interior.

Then, Smartfood is poured inside, acting as the PFD for this salty sea-faring ship.

Be forewarned, the Smart Boat is so delicious you may need the supervision of a lifeguard to save you from going overboard.

Hot & Spicy Octopus Ride

In light of recent 2011 resolutions, I stopped by my local Korean grocery store P.A.T to seek out some new product. 

From seaweed flavoured chips to wasabe-spiked shrimp puffs, it was hard to leave with just 2 new bags.  After some incisive interpreting I settled on TAKO Octopus Flavoured Chips by Nong Shim (product of Korea) and Hot & Spicy chips by Calbee (product of Hong Kong). 

I had a glass of root beer nearby when I started out with the Hot & Spicy.  It was only the idea of the little mayor potato mascot on the bag that gave me hope for a slightly less spicy future with these chips.  

When I opened the bag it looked as though I'd just uncovered a stream of active lava, but much to my amazement and disappointment,  Hot & Spicy did not live up to its name.  At first I tried to rationalize this setback as a case of mistranslation, but after a few handfuls I realized that despite their fiery facade, Hot & Spicy were nothing more than Beige & Plasticy. 

The TAKO Octopus flavoured chips on the other hand, were about to fully vindicate my expectations of non North American chip selections.

The first point is awarded to TAKO for the best packaging ever.  Cute pink cartoon octopus with snorkel gear.  You don't need to be a fisherman to know that this is a good catch.

These little octopus-shaped puffs crackled and melted in my mouth like a pork rind.  The "octopus" flavouring was sweet and fishy, similar to a shrimp chip but more well-seasoned.  If you are already a fan of shrimp chips, then these octopus bites should be acknowledged as a sea-worthy surrogate.

Side Note: Tartar sauce = best octopus flavoured chip dip.

Year Of The Chip

2010 was a great chip year.  We got our hands on the Doritos Late Night All Nighter Cheeseburger and Jalapeno Popper, and I personally ate more Sour Cream ' n ' Bacon chips than I did in 2009.  But moving forward, I feel the need to make some resolutions.

Because I don't want 2011 to suck, I'm only going to make resolutions that will make me a better person.  No 'going to the gym 3x a week' or 'substituting beer for vodka,' that only makes a boring person.

I'm talking about life changes that are easily attainable and involve more: drinking, sleeping, playing or eating chips.

First off, I want to support alt chip varieties.  Yes, I love Doritos and Ruffles, and that will never change.  But what about all the indie chip companies out there?  I prefer drinking craft beers, buying no name toilet paper and rummaging through Value Village, so it only seems natural to transition into the world of indie chips. 

Second, I want to incorporate chips into my daily lifestyle.  Though my chip consuming habits are quite regular, I want to elevate our relationship.  I want chips to be the milk to my cereal, the parmesan to my pasta.  This means really delving into cooking with chips and thinking about chips as more than just a casual snack food.

I also want to cut the roof of my mouth less when I'm eating Doritos.  I think this means that I have to practice a bit of restraint and somehow slow down the rate of immediate consumption.  This one is tricky, especially when eating in groups, as protective instincts and fear of overzealous snackers stealing all the good bites tend to kick in.  Nonetheless, in 2011 I'm going to try to smooth out my palate and ease the rate of Doritos intake.

Lastly, I want to help the people around me realize and revel in their love for chips.  Sure it sounds  easy, who doesn't love chips right?  But the real challenge is encouraging open, unashamed love.  I want to eliminate that little voice that makes you think you want Mike'n'Ikes or a Big Turk at the convenience store. I'm calling for a total chip takeover.

There it is, 2011.  Year of the chip. Popping open upside-down like a bag of Cheezies that you sat on in the lunch room in grade 5. I can't wait to eat all the orange cheese coating from my fingers and start off the new year with amazing chip aspirations.